Many parents do not recognize the harmful effects of physical and verbal punishment. They don’t know that yelling, slapping, hitting, and spanking teach violence, destroy self-esteem, create anger, interfere with learning, and damage the relationship between parent and child. Discipline & Punishment are used interchangeably; punishment and discipline do not have the same meaning and do not serve the same purpose having most characteristics in direct contrast to one another.
Most parents are not aware that unknowingly they are actually punishing their child while teaching them discipline lessons. Unfortunately, most current parenting books and articles recommend “alternatives” which in reality are merely alternative punishments. They never differentiate between Discipline and punishment.
What is Discipline?
Discipline is guidance. When we guide children toward positive behavior and learning, we are promoting a healthy attitude. Positive guidance encourages a child to think before he acts. Positive guidance promotes self-control. Different styles of discipline produce results that are different. Discipline requires thought, planning, and patience.
Effective Discipline:
The use of discipline is thinking and trying process. Remember:
• Effective discipline is good for parent and child.
• A child learns to take responsibility for his or her behavior.
• The parent keeps a warm relationship with the child.
• The goal is to teach the child how to behave, not to make the child suffer.
What is punishment?
Punishment is usually hitting, spanking, or any type of control behavior. Basically there are four kinds of punishment: Physical, with words, holding back rewards, and penalizing the child.
Punishment does not promote self discipline. It only stops misbehavior for that moment. Punishment may fulfill a short-term goal, but it actually interferes with the accomplishment of your long-term goal of self control.
What’s the Solution?
True alternatives to punishment are those that help the child to learn and grow in a healthy way. There are few greater joys in life than allowing our child to teach us what love is. Here are some alternatives that give positive, loving messages:
• Prevent unwanted behavior by meeting your child’s needs when they are first expressed. With her current needs met, she is free to move on to the next stage of learning.
• Provide a safe, child-friendly environment.
• Think about how you would like to be treated if you were to find yourself in the same circumstances as your child.
• Show empathy for your child’s feelings.
• Support your child’s feelings so he/she knows that you understand and care.
• Meet the underlying need/requirement that led to the behavior. Questions such as “Are you angry because I’ve been out for work late night? ” can help a child feel loved and understood
• Reassure your child that he is loved and appreciated.
• Shift the focus away from a situation that has become too stressful to resolve at that moment.
• Make sure that you and your child have had nutritious food throughout the day.
• Take deep breaths when stressed. Few deep breaths can help us to calm down and think more clearly.
• We shouldn’t expect a child to function at her best if her “emotional tank” is running low. Express emotion to your child by eye contact, gentle touch, and undivided attention.
• Take a time out – with your child. A change of scenery can make a real difference for both parent and child.
• A bedtime massage can help a child to sleep more soundly, giving her more resilience and energy for the following day.
Note: Discipline is different from punishment because it teaches children to learn from their mistakes rather than making them suffer for them. In fact, imposing suffering actually shifts the focus from the lesson that needs to be learned to who is in control. As a result, punishment focuses on the parent being responsible for controlling a child’s behavior, rather than the child controlling his/her own behavior, which is the focus of discipline.
Author: Mona Gupta, New Delhi
