Reading reports of honour killings in the papers, I can’t help wondering if we are living in the medieval ages. Killing your own children for the supposed dishonour brought upon the family by marrying outside the caste is not just despicable, it is downright barbaric.

If these shameful acts were performed by illiterate folk in villages, where caste reigns supreme and khap panchayats lay down the law, it would still shock. But it is even more horrifying to know that educated people, who should have been open-minded, are doing very much the same thing. It is as if education does not make any difference to the way we think. In a country slated to be a super-power, a journalist with a reputed business paper is reported to have been killed by her mother for deciding to marry a person from another caste.

Killing, of course happens is some rare cases when the daughter is murdered in cold blood, when she, the epitome of family honour crosses the line. But the lives of many children are sacrificed everyday when parents by force, by emotional blackmail, by threats of disinheritance, make their son or daughter marry a person of their choice.

It is a common fact that a majority of marriages in 21st century India are the prerogative of the parents. Children today, have the right to decide on their education, on their career, on so many matters pertaining to their lives at least in urban households, but even now finding a life partner for oneself is out of bounds for many Indians irrespective of their economic and social background.

The argument is that, in India, the system of arranged marriage has stood the test of time. This system may sound strange but there is not anything wrong with it per se. It is after all part of our culture. The problem starts when parents force this system on their children. They are very strict in this one matter. So a boy or girl may be very bold and independent minded in the workplace and elsewhere, but when it comes to marriage they are more than willing to toe their parents’ line.

We usually will have heard of at least one instance among acquaintances, where parents refuse to accept a marriage when the child chooses his own life-mate. They even go to the extent of disowning him and not letting him set foot in the house again. In most of the cases, time acts as the healer and there is a thaw in the relationship but some parents remain obstinate to the very end.

The parents’ argument is that they know best what is good for their child. And that in India a marriage is not between two people but two families. The caste, the financial backgrounds should match, the family should have a good name, only then will a marriage be fixed.

Parents also argue that arranged marriages are more successful than those decided by the children themselves. In the past, this was true to a certain extent because then, women in the arranged marriages would mostly not have much of an education, would be homemakers and hence financially dependent on the husband. So in situations of incompatibility and even abuse they continued with the marriage. In cases where people married for love, the women were more outspoken and often financially independent. So when marriages didn’t work, they had the option of walking out. This gave the impression that arranged marriages were more successful.

I would suggest that parents encourage their children to choose their life-partner, a person who he or she feels would be like-minded. Factors like caste, religion and matched horoscopes should take a backseat. Parents should interfere only when children want them to. If they consider that the children are mature enough to marry, then it goes without saying that they are old enough to know what and who is right or wrong for themselves. The risk of incompatibility is there but any marriage runs that risk.

Parents should give prominence to their child’s happiness rather than worry about their so-called honour. Or else, it may cause different kinds of problems. The daughter may elope to get married being sure that the parents will never relent. Surely this won’t be good for the family’s ‘honour’. Or the son, under pressure from the parents, may marry the person chosen by them, resulting in a disastrous marriage. Or, confident that the parents will never permit marrying for love, one may get involved with totally unsuitable people.

Instead of having these kinds of issues cropping up, wouldn’t it be better for the parents to happily welcome the son’s or daughter’s decision? Parents should be open-minded about the concept of ‘marrying for love’ and trust their children enough to give them the freedom to choose their spouse. They should not harp over caste and class issues and be happy with the choice of the child.

Author: Pratibha Shenoy (Bangalore)

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